the funniest thing in twilight is when bella thinks that the guy she has a crush on might be a vampire so she goes home and just googles the word “vampire” it’s ridiculous but also exactly what I would do in that situation
Jessica Simpson’s video for With You might actually be the worst music video of all time. It’s a wonder we made it out of 2003 alive. Background for the youngins: Jessica Simpson was a singer who had, like, moderate success, I guess, but then she did a reality show with her husband Nick Lachey, who was in a boy band called 98 Degrees, which had, like, moderate success.
So basically you’ve got two vaguely successful pop stars and you watch them live their life. Essentially, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were trying to paint themselves as the next Super Couple that was all the rage around this time, and this reality show was supposed to help propel their music careers as well.
But it turned out they were really trashy and Jessica Simpson was not too bright. She didn’t know the difference between chicken and tuna. Anyway, the single With You was supposed to be the big pop anthem about their life together where she talks about how she’s just goofy because she’s finally in love enough to be comfortable around someone. The video forces her goofy down-to-earth-ness so far down the viewers throats, I, to this day, can’t watch this video without cringing, saying aloud, “Alright, I get it, you’re a simple girl with simple tastes. Please stop this.” It was such a painful promotional tool.
- Video starts with an establishing shot of the house used in the reality show.
- Pan to Jessica Simpson laughing by herself at her overuse of dish soap, possibly drowning a small animal.
- She’s wearing a shirt that says “plata-ma-pus,” her pronunciation of the word platypus as demonstrated on an episode of her reality show. She’s also doing a lot of weird stuff with her face.
- Stop laughing. What are you laughing at?
- She seems really confused as to how to get the suds off her gloves.
- She shakes the suds off and then steps on them, I guess to make sure they’re dead.
- Why are you holding that plant? You’re washing dishes. Plants are not involved.
- She cannot, if her life was on the line, figure out how to use a fucking Swiffer.
- She puts the glove in her mouth, the glove she was using to do all her chores. That’s disgusting. This whole video is disgusting.
- I don’t like the way she’s looking at me. It makes me really uncomfortable.
- Pan to a picture of her and Nick Lachey, because we need another reminder of their reality show. Nick looks like he physically can’t stand being in close proximity to Jessica Simpson, and who among us could?
- Jessica Simpson is now on her couch eating tuna, or maybe it’s chicken.
- She takes a bite of the chicken tuna and can’t help but giggle at all the money she’s making right now.
- She tries to seduce an empty room.
- Stop looking at me like that.
- I’ll admit I don’t have a clue as to what she’s doing in the closet.
- She throws all her clothes on the floor and writhes around in them.
- Wait, I think she’s doing laundry, but I guess she couldn’t figure out how to get the clothes from the floor into the hamper. Have you tried using the Swiffer?
- She stuffs a bunch of clothes in her purse.
- Next, she’s sitting on the floor staring at a plate of BBQ chicken (or tuna). She bats her eyelashes at the gigantic pile of BBQ chicken (or tuna), holding it up, offering the viewer some.
- She careers the BBQ chicken.
- She’s literally singing to the BBQ chicken now.
- Stop laughing. There’s nothing funny about whatever is wrong with you.
- She sings into a boot.
- She sings into the BBQ chicken.
- Now she’s next to the pool with a golf club and for the love of god someone get that away from her before she kills someone.
- She’s wearing a t-shirt that says “Stinky Ass” in reference to a farting scene in her reality show.
- She gropes herself twice. Not sure why. Maybe to check if she still exists.
- She flicks her underwear at the camera. She finds this hilarious.
- She puts a pair of underwear on her face. Also hilarious. Wait, she threw those at the camera too, like it’s all a big joke to her.
Her name was Eponine. Her life was cold and dark. Yet she was unafraid.
SAY IT WITH ME
- the mitochondria are not “deep”
- the mitochondria are not “quirky”
- the mitochondria are the fucking powerhouse of the cell
- STOP ROMANTICIZING MITOCHONDRIA